Erin's Journals

Just a thought… Individually we are one drop, but together we are an ocean. [Ryunosuke Satoro]

I figured, since the day of hearts is this week, I’d open my mine to you about another kind of love: the sort that has a more sterile name, but can be just as filled with hand-holding, tear-wiping and load-carrying as the other. And sometimes it lasts even longer. I’m talking today about partnership.

Many of us recognize we’re better with someone than on our own. It’s not a knock to our independence, our strength or our abilities; it’s a recognition that as someone wiser than I put it, when we work toward a common goal, achieving success matters more than who gets the credit.

I’ve had several partnerships in my life, and I’ll focus on the ones that were “gold star.” No one wants to hear about the ones that looked fine but were, behind the curtain, far less than ideal or even bearable. We’re going through that on the political stage right now, thanks; no one needs it here today. (That said, if you haven’t seen BC Premier David Eby on stage at the Invictus Games opening ceremony Saturday, find it, watch it, and tear up as I did!)

My near 37-year marriage to Rob is my first. We like to joke that “there’s a lot to be said for inertia” but it’s the partnership – in the best and absolutely worst of times – that will always matter most in my life.

My work partnerships have played out on the public stage. Teaming with Mike Cooper from 2004 until 2016 was the joy of a blessed career, and our friendship was real and endures to this day. As different as we were, we found common ground in our hearts and the way we did a radio show. It worked because we respected, liked and eventually loved each other. How lucky I am!

There were partnerships in which I trusted where I shouldn’t have, hoped for more than they could possibly give (hindsight and therapy are great for seeing that now) and that were doomed from the start. But to focus on them, unless to learn, does no one any good.

When the radio career in Toronto ended, I found a new partnership – one also born out of friendship. Lisa Brandt and I had met through our shared beloved medium of radio, built that friendship through common threads, and maintained it over the years via correspondence and trips. We’ve always lived far apart, but now through our weekly show together, we keep in touch far more often than most old friends, texting/writing daily.

It was during one of her visits that we came up with a solid idea and a name for our podcast. And a few months later on my visit to her place, we laid down our first show, scrapped it, and kept trying until we got it right. 112 episodes and 150,000+ downloads (countless more listens) later, Gracefully and Frankly is only getting stronger. In fact Lisa’s been working tirelessly and patiently to build us our own website. She makes jewelry! She writes books! She puts together a beautiful website! The woman is a neverending wonder. I’ll use the word “blessed” once again.

There’s one more partnership that I hold dear in my heart: the ties that bind you and me. We may never have met, but somehow over the past 30+ years you’ve come to feel you know me, and I hope that you do. When Rob and I suffered the worst loss parents can survive, you were there for us. When I put out a book telling of our love, loss and reclaiming joy, you made it a #1 bestseller in Canada. The fact that it continues to be read warms both of our hearts. When I’ve asked you to consider a cause or donate to something I deem worthy, you’ve done that. You offer advice, comfort and humour. You stay in touch. You even share your deepest thoughts, including about your grief or addiction.

You have given me your trust, and I hope that every day I continue to earn it.

There are a lot of different partnerships. It seems this week is a good time to recognize how vital they can be in our lives, in whatever form they may be. And since unexpressed gratitude is no good to anyone, I thought you might like to know just how much you’ve meant to me. Consider it my valentine to you, a bit early, but definitely in earnest.

Just a thought… Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners. And necessity has made us allies. [John F. Kennedy speaking in Ottawa, May 1961]

I want to come home.

I envision driving into Canada at the BC/Washington State border, then pulling over to kiss the cold ground. That’s how I’m feeling down here near Palm Springs, California, the place from which Lisa Brandt and I did our Facebook Live last Thursday for our Gracefully and Frankly podcast. (Thank you if you were among the 6000+ who joined us on our Facebook page, both live and afterward. It’s also up on YouTube if you’re not on Facebook; here’s a link, if you’re interested.) 

If you skipped the small print, I’ll repeat one salient detail: Rob and I rented the house, until the end of this month, and pre-paid way back before the US election, when we were ridiculously sure that a felon would not win. How naïve could we be?

On Saturday night, Lisa and I watched a live feed of Prime Minister Trudeau pointedly addressing both Canadians and Americans about tariffs that will go into place in response to the moronic and heavy-handed penalties being forced on us this week. As we did, I began to feel a heaviness churning inside. That weight became worry, and then…a sick familiarity.

It was almost exactly five years ago to the day, also down here, that we watched a televised address from #45 to the US about Covid. When it was over, I turned to Rob and said, “Change our flights; we’ve got to get out – now.” It took a few weeks due to restrictions over flying with a dog, but we got home on St. Patrick’s Day and I could have cried with relief.

This time, making an early escape is not in the cards. For one thing, I have one last guest who’s booked to visit me next week and who has now offered to cancel his trip if I want to return home early. You see, yesterday I had the urge to load up the car and the dogs and head north, all on my own, right away. (The plan has always been for Rob to fly here on the 20th and drive us all home beginning March 1.)

Yesterday Rob reminded me that my would-be solo trip includes northern states and parts of BC that may require you to carry tire chains. Oh, right! It’s cold and snowy as we head home. That hadn’t occurred to me.

Add that variable to an already-stressful drive that would include locating EV chargers along the way, letting the dogs out regularly, and taking care of them nightly in hotel rooms, and it all adds up to me just staying put until Rob can get here. I really don’t think I’m up to doing the job safely.

As it stands, I’ll try to breathe and savour the last few weeks here in this pocket of blue sanity, amidst a country that appears to be in every bit of the trouble we knew it would be that fateful, sickening election night when over 80 million Americans were either too intimidated or lazy to go to the polls, something Ontarians are being called to do now; Canadians, probably soon.

As the “true north strong and free,” most of us have always been immensely proud of our imperfect but formidable country. The good has consistently outweighed the negative; when we’ve had spats, we’ve kept it in the family, within our borders. But now that the tangerine toddler has set his sights on his friendly allies, there’s a unity and strength the fervour of which we have not witnessed as Canadians – in my lifetime, at least – and, no, hockey tournaments don’t count here.

Another positive: it feels as if we can all fly our maple leaf again without the nagging fear that someone might think we’re in the maple MAGAt crowd.

Canadians are taking back our flag, metaphorically turning the F— TRUDEAU into F— TRUMP. And isn’t it about damned time? It’s a shame it has taken the brutal and insane bullying from below to bring it all to this. But here we are and we’re bracing, hard. ELBOWS UP! as we say in the land of hockey parlance.

Lisa and I will be discussing this more in Thursday’s Ep. 112 of Gracefully and Frankly. We hope you’ll join us as we discuss Canadian boycotts, how far we can realistically go, and so on.

Just a thought… True friendship resists time, distance and silence. [Isabel Allende]

I’m taking a week off journalling this week, and I hope you’ll understand. My bestie Lisa Brandt arrived safely and drama-free on Saturday (last year, you may recall, she was without her suitcase for three days while it “found” her).

Tonight we head out for dinner and then Drag Queen Bingo with our illustrious host Bella D’Ball. I’m sure we’ll have lots of laughs and we’ll share them with you when we do our Facebook Live this Thursday at 7 pm Eastern (4 here).

We know it’s our last trip to the US for a long time, so we’re taking everything in, all in finer detail than ever before.

So as I type this, we’ve just finished a nice long talk – one of many shared and to come – and I know you’ll forgive me for not spending time on my laptop when Lisa’s here.

We hope you’ll join us on Facebook this Thursday! You can let us know you’re coming today on the page and there’s no obligation to show. Just put it in your calendar now and hopefully we have a good hour together.

And thanks for coming by.

Just a thought… Your time on earth is limited. Don’t try to “age with grace.” Age with mischief, audacity and a good story to tell. [Case Kenny]

Welcome to a new week. If you’re like me, you’re trying hard not to focus on anything today but your own wellbeing and peace of mind. We do what we can; all the rest is out of our hands.

My friend Andrea has been here since last week and flies back into the frigid GTA tomorrow. We’ve had so many talks: from exchanges about the Let Them Theory (she brought me her hardcover copy; I’ve listened on audiobook) to excitement about a new chapter in her life and career. We’re of similar age and her dream job has just come to fruition, her child is in the second semester of university life and her husband is out of the woods after some serious medical challenges. Her time here has been like a rebirth, just as I feel about being in this peaceful pocket in a turbulent country.

One of Andrea’s favourite sayings is “Age Audaciously.” In fact, a woman she admires, Harvard-trained sociologist, author and Wayfinder life coach trainer Martha Beck talks about an acronym called WIG. It stands for Wildly Improbable Goals.

But Andrea has changed this in her own mind and life to WAG: Wildly Audacious Goals.

What difference does one word make? We’ve been talking about that very thing. See, to us, “improbable” are the odds of writing a bestselling book, while “audacious” is writing the book to begin with (yes, I’m using myself as an example). “Improbable” means, yeah, it’s not likely going to happen, but “audacious” puts the control in your own hands; it takes bravery, risk and a certain “to hell with them” attitude.

That’s why as Queenagers we’re embracing the “Age Audaciously” mantra. Wear that outfit. Take that stage. Write that email. Introduce yourself. Make new friends. Reconnect with old ones.

These last suggestions come to mind as an epidemic of loneliness and isolation continues to grip so many worldwide. Reading The Let Them Theory reminded me that I’d let a friendship in Sidney, BC slip through my fingers and I’ve reached out to start to rectify that. Instead of sitting at home waiting for life to start up, I have to get out and do something to make it happen.

Changing WIG to WAG is another way to jump start life. Sure, in the dead of winter it may not feel like you’ll want to, but this is the time to plan and build dreams. We cannot control much, but we can improve what’s at hand. And even in these darkest days, that spark of hope can be enough to keep us looking ahead.

Here’s a reminder that fellow Queenager Lisa Brandt and I will drop a brand new episode of our podcast Gracefully and Frankly this Thursday. If you haven’t caught up with episode 109 you’re welcome to do so. Remember, it’s free, it’s just a click away and we’ll keep you company no matter what you’re doing. It’s also such a joy that it keeps us sparking, too. And maybe even sparkling at times!

Just a thought… Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. [Steve Jobs]

As you may know, if you follow me on Facebook, I’m down here in California for a few months. Thankfully, we are safe: there were some unusually strong winds last Thursday, but other than dealing with their messy aftermath of debris from trees, and furniture blown around the yard, we have been spared anything even remotely like the horrors of the hurricane of fire that winds have wrought in the Los Angeles area. Those affected are in our thoughts every hour of every day. As I swept up leaves and garbage that made its way to our yard, I thought: Thank God these aren’t ashes.

My stay here (solo now as Rob went home Boxing Day, and which is half over) has been a badly-needed spiritual reset with daily meditation, exercise and a feeling of peace that has alluded me for quite some time.

What I am most definitely not at peace with is spending our anemic dollars in a country that has spun off its axis (again) and is barrelling down a dark and troubled road. And seeing posts on social media (not aimed at me, specifically) such as “Friends don’t let friends vacation in the US!” have been more than just pecking at that bubble of serenity. I’m struggling with the morality of supporting anything to do with FOTUS (Felon of the United States), while weighing it against the reasons we want to be here in this politically sane state.

Once again, I am glad to be learning to say “Let Them.” It’s a lesson I’ve needed for a long, long time. As I continue to learn, I find myself wishing this book had come out 40 years ago. What a difference it would have made in my life (including money saved on therapy)!

You see, for my entire public life, which started at 17 and continues in some form or another some 45 years later, my desire has been to please every single listener/reader/viewer. On radio, for example, if someone was upset about something I said (or worse, that they thought I said), I would go out of my way (and sometimes, my mind) trying to win them back. You never, ever wanted to lose a listener.

As of this writing, the criticisms about our choice of where to escape the damp, chilly Vancouver Island winter have been few. Okay, just one: a downright rude Facebook post that came on Christmas night after we’d had an unexpectedly blissful day. It was taken down by the poster shortly after she wrote the words “SHAME!” (and a few more) about our choice of coming to the US for a few months.

That post bothered me; like most criticism, I wondered if, in her cruel way, she might have been right, even though Brené Brown taught me well that “shame” is a word you never, ever throw at anyone – most of all yourself.

I have had a few weeks to think about it now, framed by the wisdom I’ve been taking in via audiobook every day. Still, I’ve been making a list of defensive reasons why this is the place that feeds my soul.

Have I thought of other destinations for next year? Yes. But being someplace where I: a) know the area roads, b) can be left comfortably to reside and drive on my own, c) speak the language, and d) know the currency, are also vital to my sometimes fragile peace of mind. We even owned a house here briefly (circa Covid) for heaven’s sake.

This area around Palm Springs, about a two-hour drive from the tragic tinderbox that is the LA region, is where my parents spent joyful, SAD-free winters, and where at this time of such flux on the house sale front back in BC, we feel grounded. So we rented again, prior to the election. I mean, who could have predicted…?

I don’t know what we’re going to do later this year. Having something to look forward to during the dreary fall/winter has become important to us, and being in a location that makes me a better person all around is equally vital. I know we’re damned lucky to have the ability and opportunity. I know.

In the problems of the world, and yes, even this blessed/cursed blue state of California, mine are but a bean, never mind a whole hill of them. Yet, here I am, somehow feeling that I need to justify our decisions and stave off judgment. As if I have any control over what a person thinks! (Thanks, Mel Robbins.)

Like all of us, I have a lot to learn in this journey of growth, and I am but a pre-schooler as I try to change a lifetime of literal and figurative people-pleasing. If my decisions are not someone else’s preference, that’s okay. My mental health is coming first (for a change). I would wish the same for you, within the parameters of your own moral guidelines and practical capability, as I hope you would for me.

If not, I’ll let you – and you let me.

Lisa Brandt and I will be talking about this on Thursday in Episode 109 of the Gracefully and Frankly podcast. Haven’t caught 108 yet? You’re missing a really good one (if I do say so) and can do so for free at G-and-F.Simplecast.com. Just click and enjoy. And if you want to offer feedback on what you’ve heard, we welcome that, too.