Erin's Journals

Thursday, November 19, 2020

Just a thought… It’s hard to turn the page when you know someone won’t be in the next chapter, but the story must go on. [Thomas Wilder]

To Tree, or Not to Tree? That’s been the question. Until this year.

This week, our daughter-in-law Brooke, who is exactly for whom Hallmark makes all of those holiday movies, my pumpkin-spice-and-everything-nice girl shared progress reports of her Christmas decorating with me. And it has occurred to me that it’s time to dig way deep and find the boxes that got taped shut in early 2015 and haven’t been opened even once since.

Christmas of 2014 was the best of our lives. Our daughter and her husband brought their beautiful two-and-a-half month old son to our home, where we had a ten-foot real tree decorated and lit for the holidays.

My dad came from BC to be with us; Lauren’s cousin and her husband and baby boy came for a visit, as did my sister and her husband, and members of Rob’s family, and it was grand. Perfect, even.

I pulled out my late mom’s china so she would be with us during our dinner celebrations and we had a marvelous family gathering, delayed a day so that Lauren could be with her in-laws for Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day. I am so grateful for the memories of that week, those not-so-silent nights, the music we all played together and the laughter. Oh, the laughter.

Well...mostly grateful.

I have pictures I’ll stumble upon from that time, but never on purpose. In my computer there’s a file marked Xmas 2014 with videos, carefully posed and lit family shots – all things that I just haven’t been able to look at, never mind dive into. Except for a few short videos that are on my phone and some recordings of her singing, I haven’t been in a place where my heart felt ready to go back to being in the midst of her joyful, funny alive-ness.

Honestly, what kind of mood do you have to be in to consciously choose to be sucked down into a dark hole? There can be no other outcome than sadness, and as you know, I’ve very consciously chosen not to look back, but to be present in our happiness and point my attention to a future we’re building every day.

So what to do about those boxes and boxes of decorations? I’m not going to donate them and start fresh; there are too many silly traditions therein. From a little sewing mouse ornament my grandmother gave me to some macaroni angels I glued and painted (that are actually a lot better than they sound!) and countless remembrances of family Christmases past. I’ve simply erased any inventory of what else might be there, and not by accident.

Bypassing a tree again this year is not an option. We even have an artificial one somewhere from before we chose to go natural. Before COVID, Rob and I were planning to fly from Palm Springs to spend Christmas with our grandchildren in Ottawa but, of course, 2020 had different plans – wonderful ones, in our case, as they’re just down the road now – and we’re embracing these ones: Christmas Eve at our place, Christmas morning at theirs, and then Christmas dinner back here. Thank goodness they are our family bubble and we are theirs. Who knows what the situation will be come December 24th etc.?

And so, there will be a Christmas tree. We’ll puppy- and baby-proof it and make it as beautiful as can be for Colin, Jane and their parents. If Colin cared to (which I’m pretty sure he won’t) I’d invite him to decorate it with us. I’m not sure how or when we’re going to do this, but I’m making the silent pledge to us, and for that matter, to Lauren: “We Can Do This.” It all goes to that last part of Mourning Has Broken where I imagined her asking me what I did with my life after she left. “Cancelled Christmas forever…” is not an answer that would get a thumbs up.

Too many people are suffering the loss or distance of their loved ones this year. Who am I to turn my back on the gifts that have come our way in the past four months, in the form of a beautiful baby, her loving and funny big brother, and their mom and dad?

Life has too much pain. It’s time to rip off the Band-aid – and the packing tape – and get on with embracing that Christmas spirit, in whatever form it comes.

Have a gentle weekend, my friend, and I’ll be back with a journal for you on Monday.

Rob WhiteheadThursday, November 19, 2020
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Monday, November 16, 2020

Just a thought… Adapting does not mean permanent changes. It just means making small, quick adjustments. [Hany Kubba]

Today we step back into a little bit of normal as Rob returns to hockey after a two week hiatus to let his finger recover from its nasty introduction to a table saw. He’s due to get stitches out today; the plastic surgeon he saw said the ones put in temporarily were “fine,” so we’ll see. Rob felt he was treated rather dismissively because of the nature of his injury. It may have been Rob’s own sheepishness that was the filter through which he perceived that he was being judged, but however the doctor felt, let’s hope Rob’s recovery continues smoothly.

Meantime, I was feeling sheepish myself on Friday. The day after our first Zoom dog training class (which went amazingly), we had several setbacks in our puppy’s progress. More messes than successes, if you get what I mean. While she was relentlessly bugging Colin, jumping up at him and disturbing him while he tried to do one of his favourite things at our place: play games and do yoga with Wii Fit, he was getting upset, and I was even more so, as I began to worry that he might not want to spend time with us anymore.

What had I done? Had I upset a perfectly wonderful apple cart by adding a rambunctious little dog to our lives? How could I have forgotten how much work a puppy is?

I knew that Rob and I were doing all we could to make sure Rosie is the best dog (and we the most informed pet parents) possible. But had I made a huge mistake? I went to bed Friday feeling pretty despondent, even though a hiccuping little black and white furball was curled up next to my pillow.

On Saturday morning, after two successes in the outdoor toiletry department, Rosie and I were off to puppy socialization class. There, in one of two pens set up at a farm, she and three other pups ran and played, crouched and sniffed. While she was the only puppy who insisted on jumping up on the trainer to get her attention (which the trainer wisely ignored, telling us all she was doing so), Rosie also showed a lot of confidence in letting the other pups corner her and turning up her tummy to them.

I asked if that was submission and was told, no, that was confidence. She’s got a backbone without having to show her teeth (or, evidently, her back) and that makes me happy. We’ve got a little girl with character who would go right after the pups that had cornered her, to lure them into more play just as soon as they turned their backs.

That instructive half-hour in the 7 C sunshine was enough to raise my spirits and wear out Rosie, who slept most of the day. In a room with mats, a crate and blankets, where did she choose to nap? On a wood crescent, under an end table.

Yesterday morning she was there again. Okay, Rosie….

As for Colin (who thankfully sleeps in a bed and not under a table), he was comfortable enough in her state of lessened exuberance that he wanted to stay another night. I needn’t have worried, it seems. But it doesn’t mean we will stop learning how to make their time together as easy for them both as possible.

We’ve put off Rosie’s meeting of our granddaughter Janey until we get our crate training established so that Rosie can have time outs without losing her mind. Jane is just starting to take lots of fast steps and the last thing we want is for Rosie to think it’s a good ol’ game of tag. We’re all learning here together. And while we can teach Colin to “be a tree,” Janey is just being a baby. So it’s a dance.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful to have Rosie in our home and in our family, even if it means there isn’t a rug to be found, the dusting and cleaning have taken a vacation (while the vacuum is going overtime), and we’re watching and following her around as though she might lay a golden egg every waking hour.

I’m luckiest of all that there are people around who understand what this ride entails: Rob for his patience with Rosie and me, Brooke and Phil for happily taking a rain check on a family dinner invitation and Colin for believing me when I tell him he will always, always come first. I don’t know that they’ll become close friends after a rocky start, but we can hope. It’s hard to imagine her sleeping next to him one night but you just never know, do you?

Have a gentle Monday as we embark on the second half of November.

Rob WhiteheadMonday, November 16, 2020
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Thursday, November 12, 2020

Just a thought… When you learn, teach. When you get, give. [Maya Angelou]

Welcome to a Thursday that feels strangely like a Saturday or Sunday (a sensation of blursday that we’ve all come to experience in 2020) because we were treated to a bonus sleep-over with Colin this week.

He was off school yesterday for Remembrance Day, but proudly brought to our house a booklet he’d coloured and written in at school: a poem about the poppy. While it was a good first step towards learning the significance of November 11th, he didn’t really have any idea why he was off school for the day. At age six, I suppose I didn’t have a clue either about the day.

I remember being taken to the cenotaph in Ottawa, my Dad proudly in uniform, as we took in the ceremonies on more than one chilly November 11th. But really, did I understand even a little bit, what it meant?

Yesterday we watched out our window as a series of five Canadian Navy ships passed by, far below us on the Haro Strait. (Pardon the picture, it’s the best I could do.) Colin examined the boats through binoculars and then his attention was drawn to five warplanes as they lumbered through the grey skies over Sidney, BC.

The air and water displays happened to come just after we had watched two videos on YouTube about poppies and Remembrance Day, told from a standpoint to which a child might relate. He’s only just now comprehending the concept of death, a message that came through clearly the other day as he heard on the radio of Alex Trebek’s passing. Alex is, I think, the first celebrity (not of a Muppet genre) that Colin ever knew; as a toddler he loved to watch Jeopardy!.

He is learning what it means when someone dies: to not come back. And so, knowing he has that slightest bit of understanding, we related to him the plastic soldiers from Toy Story (Sarge being the one whose name we know) and the fact that yesterday we remembered real soldiers: people who knew that very bad men were trying to tell the grown-ups and children in Europe (where another favourite, Peppa Pig, comes from) what to do and were very, very mean.

So the good people of Canada – people his daddy’s age and younger even – went over to stand up to the bullies and to help our country’s friends. Many of them got hurt very badly; some died and didn’t come home to their children and their mommies and daddies.

And that’s why we remember them on November 11th: because we are so grateful. (Yes, there are a great many historical facts that are muddy or missing here, but work with me here.)

He stood quietly at our side while we watched part of the 11 am ceremonies on our local station. He listened as Rob and I sang “O Canada” along with the people in Victoria on the TV. We told him that through his parents, his school and us, he’ll understand what this day means when he’s a little older.

The task of trying to boil down the vastness of something like a world war, the incredible sacrifices and costs that were made and exacted, into a concept that a young child can understand is seemingly impossible.

How do you even begin to paint a picture that only truly became clear for me as an adult after visiting Vimy, France and nearby towns whose farmers had collected shells (some spent, some not) and placed them in a modest museum; where it took an elevator to get down to the place that soldiers survived in crowded, quiet, darkness, waiting to spring an Easter Sunday attack on the enemy. The memories of what I saw have stayed with me and I was merely a tourist!

How blessed we are, so many of us, to have no personal recollection of the horrors of war. At one time, nearly every Canadian knew a family that had lost someone in one of the conflicts where our young men, and later women, were called to fight. Today, merely being asked to wear a fabric mask is considered by some to be an affront to their freedom. One wonders what those souls who wore gas masks for weeks on end would think.

They might likely say how damned lucky we are to live in a time of such widespread peace. It is a gift to which we feel so entitled now – that explaining it is almost as hard as imagining life without it.

Have a peaceful weekend and I’ll be back with another journal on Monday.

Rob WhiteheadThursday, November 12, 2020
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Monday, November 9, 2020

Just a thought… The gifts of an honorable well-lived life are in those who will miss you once you’re gone. [Don Williams, Jr.]

Today I’d like to tell you the tale of two men. Coincidentally, they were both game show hosts, but there their similarities end. Let’s open the book together. Settle in with a cup of what soothes you and here we go.

…there were two boys. Both were raised in the same era but miles and miles apart in nearly every way: while one came from a humble place, the son of a hard-toiling immigrant and a woman whose people had come to the land millennia before, the other was born in a manor in a place royally named Queens. He was the son of a bitter and greedy property owner, a man who was miserly of spirit, yet he gave his boy many riches and told him to make more, to win no matter what. Although the boy really yearned for the attention of his ailing mother and his distant father, he took the lessons to heart because it was the only thing he could do.

The first boy grew up and left the mining town of his childhood and went to a place of higher learning to study philosophy. He was a smart and ambitious young man and people liked to watch him as he worked and so he had a thought: Why not make my way entertaining them? As time went on, he would parlay his affable skills into fame and fortune in a much larger kingdom. But while on his travels, he watched and learned from people who knew more than he did, made many friends and eventually built a wonderful life. Soon, everyone far and wide knew his name and what he did, and he was loved and admired by a great many, but most importantly his wives (of which he had two), son and daughters.

The other man took his father’s money and spent it unwisely again and again, but still his father – and others – gave him more. He honed his trickery so that good merchants who shared with and trusted him were left broke and broken. When they asked him to pay what he owed, he laughed and said, “It is what it is!” waving good-bye as he headed off to new pursuits, where he could pillage to his heart’s content. His talent for sleight-of-hand and for shouting and posting his name throughout the land garnered much attention and the crowds that would listen to him weave his tales would cry out in adulation.

During these decades, the first man continued to succeed at his job, delighting those who knew him through his work and helping to spread knowledge and enjoyment everywhere. In his way, although he was not a doctor or a civic or religious leader, he found himself happy to be doing what his talents had led him to, lo those many years before. He brought people joy.

The second man continued his scrappy ascent to power. He did so by posting messages throughout the land that the man who was in leadership was not even born in that great country! Many began to believe him and accused the man who had been chosen to lead his people of being many things he was not. Seeing how easily he could fool those who believed him, the second man posted more messages for people to see and tossed out falsehoods and barbs with the same frequency that his followers threw their hard-earned coins to him. Soon it dawned on the man that if he tried, and he found more people like him from far and wide who would help bring his plan to fruition, he would take that gleaming white house at the top of the mountain, the home of the good man with darker skin.

At last, he thought, all of the gold would be his. No one could ever deny him again and those who dared protest his lies and his obvious evil doing would be vanquished. If anyone – even his vaunted courtiers – pointed out his malfeasance, they would be smeared and run out of town in fear for their lives. Why, even the town criers were afraid, for the avaricious man hated them most for telling the truth.

Far away, in the first man’s peaceful garden in a city named for angels, one day a huge dark cloud crossed the sun. The man became very sick and doctors told him that he had been struck with an incurable disease. But rather than keep his hardship a secret, he shared his trials and his pain so that others who had been visited by this awful illness would see hope and know strength. As the people prayed and sent their good wishes, the man expressed his gratitude and humility for all to hear and see. And he continued as best he could; his work was far from done, he said.

A few years passed.

In that time, the second man (now golden in colour, as his aspirations overtook him so completely as to seep through his pores) had been carried on a gilded litter by his adoring masses up, up, up the mountain.

Alone in his bed in his gleaming white house at the top of the world, the angry man felt as happy as he could feel, which was really not at all. You see, he had never truly experienced love – not from his parents, not from his many wives, not from his siblings and, most of all, not from himself. Oh, he regarded his reflection with great admiration, but still inside he knew that he would never be enough; never have enough.

The gaping wound that this knowledge left, he tried to fill with acquisitions, accolades, power and lustful pursuits, but still he could only take pleasure in people’s suffering. Despite the rising voices of disdain as his cruelty was noted, he looked down from his kingdom and decided he would never leave; the people who carried him up there and cheered him every day were all that he had, although he not-so-secretly despised every one of them.

As time passed, the veil began to lift from the eyes of some of the less gullible residents of the bitter man’s kingdom and there grew unrest. When his subjects started to die from a mysterious plague, the man did nothing to help them. He told them it was harmless. He encouraged them not to fear the disease that was taking them, and to ignore the wise men and women who had advice on how to fight this strange illness. He would not even encourage the simplest of ways for those who loved him so to survive, perhaps: a small piece of cloth. He held great rallies so that he could hear them cheer his lies and vitriol, knowing that many would become sick and even die in payment for their boundless love. “It is what it is,” he said with a shrug.

Back in the land where the sun sets later, another disease had much more quietly been hard at its dastardly work: the first man had gone to sleep and was not going to wake up again. No amount of tears or well wishes, thank-yous or prayers could bring back the good man. The people who loved him – and there were a great, great many in his homeland as well as in the country that had welcomed him – mourned and shared their memories. It was a dark day for the people who had hoped that this good man could somehow triumph over a despicable illness. Alas, after a hard-fought battle, he could not.

And yet, strangely, that same day, as the people shed copious tears over the pain of the passing of a man they’d never met but felt they knew, there was experienced elsewhere an underlying thrum of joy. For over on the top of the mountain, there had been, the night before, an enormous but peaceful overthrow. Turrets were toppled as the suffering people – whom the golden man had so horrendously treated, ignored and over whom he had even enabled that plague to spread – climbed the rugged, pitted roads to take the man out of the house that their years of struggle had paid for.

The man, seeing his fate before him, shouted epithets against the people. He demanded they reconsider their hard-wrought decision. “Unfair!” he cried. “Rigged!” he screamed from what remained of his castle. He accused the people of the kingdom of all manner of filthy misdeeds until, finally, when no one could stand his lies any longer, he and the members of his inner circle, who supported him still and stooped often to pick up coins that fell from his coat, packed up as many bags as they could carry, filled them with finery and riches, and plodded back down the pitted road to plot their wicked revenge.

“You haven’t heard the last of me,” he shouted, as the church bells rang in faraway lands to celebrate his downfall. The peals and cheers drowned out the angry moans of those who seethed at having been duped so fully. Some were still loyal to the golden god and, aided by a duplicitous fox and a tricky turtle, pledged to show their loyalty and to fight to keep the good people of the land in their place of suffering and subservience.

As the sun sets on this story, we know not how at least part of it ends. But we choose to set our sights on the good man: the first man and his long life and his decency, kindness and spreading of joy. And we choose to hope that when lights again burn in the windows of that house on high, and a good soul like the first man takes his place within, that illumination will begin to imbue the land with calm and peace; with the confidence in knowing – not just believing – that how we better the lives of others, how we enrich those around us, is more important than simply filling our own pockets and taking what we can from the years and opportunities we are given.

And that sometimes, in order to find the answers, we have only to ask the right question. We get to decide just what that question will be.

Rob WhiteheadMonday, November 9, 2020
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Thursday, November 5, 2020

Just a thought… Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting. [Joyce Meyer]

And how are YOU today? If you’re like me (as of this writing) you’re watching, waiting and wondering. I followed the vote results – such as they were – on Tuesday night with the TV muted, while busily editing a voice job on my computer that’s going to take weeks. Looks like I may be done with that before we know who actually won the US presidency.

Already, the clementine criminal has sown the seeds of a stolen election and stirred up the anger of his easily-triggered cult. But did anyone think any part of this was going to be civil?

So, on to happier things like, oh, I don’t know – a table saw injury?

Seriously, though, Rob is really grateful for your good wishes. He’ll be seeing the doctor again next week and, with his ring and middle fingers likely to be taped together, he’s hoping to be back in his goalie gear in two weeks or less. I’m not even kidding when I tell you that he called the goalie coordinator to tell him about his accident before phoning me on Sunday. I mean, I understand (he had to take care of getting someone to cover for him the next day in net) but it’s funny just the same. At least I know where I stand!

We’re laughing plenty (when we’re not sopping up accidents) with our sweet little girl. Hey, those pee pads they sell to train dogs, they’re just to show puppies where not to go, right? They sure are in our girl’s case. I think if I covered the living room floor with them, I’m pretty sure she’d never pee there again. Perhaps I’m on to something….

A few folks on Facebook who don’t read this journal have asked what kind of dog she is. She’s a cross between a Shih Tzu and a Pomeranian – with more of her daddy’s Shih Tzu than Pom. Some call the blend a Shiranian, others a Shih Pom. I didn’t care what breed she was; I just knew that as soon as my sister found her, I wanted to make her mine.

So, what’s her name?

First, let me tell you what we almost named her: Flower. And I know that sounds bizarre, but there are a few reasons it fit, including the skunk from Bambi and the fact that it was one of our nicknames for Lauren (also because of that sweet, bashful and funny skunk). I didn’t want to have to explain the skunk thing every time I met someone on the dog walk, but more importantly, I just couldn’t see myself saying the pup’s new name without feeling twinges of hurt at the same time, and that is so NOT what this dog is about. So long, Flower.

I considered Millie, as she’s silly, and it’s similar to Molly. But I lost out on that one, too.

For a while I was calling her Tunie, short for Petunia, but I got voted down on that. She does look like a Tunie to me, whatever that might be, but no. And so we settled for a name that still has a strong family connection: it’s the name of a character Lauren played in a high school musical, and the angel with whom she would have tea when she meditated. And it’s also the name that Colin told his mom he hoped we’d be choosing.

What’s this little girl’s name then? I’ll let you watch the video to find out. Click the photo below to enjoy this, and I’ll be back with you on Monday.

click to watch the video

Rob WhiteheadThursday, November 5, 2020
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